Category: Love

Why you cannot experience fulfilling sexuality without self-love

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Why you cannot experience fulfilling sexuality without self-love

Self-love is on everyone’s lips. But what exactly does self-love mean? And what does self-love have to do with sex? Well, quite a lot!

The distorted body image of the media

We are collectively traumatized as a society when it comes to our bodies and sexuality. The social media, movies and also porn shape our idea of ​​a perfect body and of a “perfect” sexuality in a very subtle way. Most of the time, these two things also go hand in hand. We then almost exclusively see well-formed, trained bodies. Who does not know this scene from at least one feature film in which a man lies down on a woman and after three minutes they both have orgasm at the same time.

But does reality really look like this? If you’ve had sex before, you’ll know that sex rarely or never happens Hollywood-style. Few of us have bodies like those of women in magazines and catalogues, yet most of us have sex lives. So far so good.

Our sex life is often shaped by these unconscious ideas that the media convey to us day in and day out.

But our sex life is often shaped by these unconscious ideas that the media convey to us day in and day out. We unconsciously separate ourselves from our body through our media consumption. We perceive it as an object that can and should be continuously improved, and no longer as a part of us with which we have an emotional relationship.

The orgasm as the overriding goal of intimacy

Let’s look at the orgasm. Most people practice sex with the goal of achieving orgasm. Because the assumption behind it is: without orgasm the sex was not good / satisfying. We usually relate this assumption to our: n partners: in and not so much on ourselves. (And this is where self-love comes into play.)

Many women* want their partner to orgasm during intercourse so that they can get confirmation that the sex was good for him / her. This also gives us assurance that the other will stay with us. The reverse also applies to heterosexual men, because if the partner does not come, he has failed and his ego is cracked.

Many people then also like to go the “orgasm-pretending” path. The three most common reasons for this are:

  • Pressure to have orgasm in order not to disappoint the partner (s)
  • boredom
  • Physical pain

If I really love myself and my body, then I will not endure boredom or physical pain during intercourse. I will: talk to my / my partner and ask him / her to take a break or stop.

My sexuality cannot be fulfilling at all if I constantly go beyond my own limits and cannot formulate my wishes and needs. Then I tend to fall back into a cycle of continuous traumatisation.

My sexuality cannot be fulfilling at all if I constantly go beyond my own limits and cannot formulate my wishes and needs.

To me, self-love literally means “to love yourself”. And physically. I can only tell my partner inside what I want in bed if I know what I like. When I’ve shed my body and been intimate with myself. Sexuality always begins with the self and not with the other.

What I advise my clients

This is one of the first pieces of advice I give my straight clients when sexuality with their partner is drowsy or unfulfilling: Get intimate with yourself. Start loving yourself. Find out what you like and give it to yourself. Seduce yourself and touch yourself just as you would want your lover to touch.

When you really embody this practice, the energy that you radiate changes. As a rule, the change in your energy does not pass your partner by either. And the fire of sexuality can be kindled in a whole new way.

Unfortunately, at a young age, nobody teaches us how to explore our sexuality healthily. There is no real sexual education that is not limited to avoiding sexually transmitted diseases. Due to our uptight society, we tend to lose touch with our bodies and our very own sexuality and then try to chase after an ideal that doesn’t actually exist.

There is no real sexual education that is not limited to avoiding sexually transmitted diseases.

As we get older, it is our job to take responsibility for our sex life and make sure that our desires are fulfilled. It takes courage and continuous practice. Being a good lover yourself takes time. And that’s fine too.

What specifically you can do to find a more fulfilling sexuality

  • It is best to stop trying to please the others and pretending to be yourself.
  • Also, stop comparing yourself to unrealistic images from the media.
  • Begin to understand sexuality as an individual space for learning and research.
  • Have fun trying out and discovering with yourself.
  • Find out what is really ecstatic and celebrate your own body.
  • Use masturbation as a self-love practice to do yourself good.
  • And then: then share your discoveries with your partner: in.

Cheers to me: Why we should discuss and celebrate solo sex much more openly

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Cheers to me

A belly full of cheese spaetzle is an excellent way of philosophizing about the subject of self-satisfaction – which I indulged in extensively before the aforementioned cheese spaetzle. But why do you talk about it so seldom and when, then only behind closed doors and with a flush of shame on your face, not revealing too many details?

At least that’s how I experience it: My internet bubble is full of self-confident, self-satisfied people who don’t mince words online and help me to shed more and more of my blush on this topic. Still, I hardly ever talk to friends about it. About sex? Once in a while. About solo sex? Very difficult.

I’m talking almost never with friends about it. About sex? Once in a while. About solo sex? Very difficult.

You may have mentioned something there, but how, where, what exactly you do when your wife lends a hand, remains hidden under the covers. In any case, a while ago I found myself extremely astonished and delighted when I found out that I am not standing (or lying) alone with my masturbation and that other women – in my immediate environment – do it themselves too.

Why don’t we talk openly about solo sex?

Why is this such a difficult subject? Why are you ashamed of it? Why can I talk to my best friend about how disappointing the last sex I had was but not how satisfying was the last orgasm I gave myself?

Why can I talk to my best friend about how disappointing the last sex I had was but not how satisfying was the last orgasm I gave myself?

I guess it’s just the way we grow up and get introduced to the subject. Sex education during my school days was accompanied on the one hand by constant giggling and embarrassment, on the other hand it just covered what was necessary.

According to the motto: If you already have to have sex, please with a condom – and now let’s talk about photosynthesis again (by the way, little or nothing stuck to either of these).

Although I was never told that masturbation was something bad or something that I should be explicitly ashamed of, I was just not advised to speak openly about it. It was just never discussed.

Although I was never told that masturbation was something bad or something that I should be explicitly ashamed of, I was just not advised to speak openly about it. It was just never discussed.

Perhaps this the conclusion was: Will already be somehow okay to do it, but talk about would I rather not – take any chances. Not that I come across as weird.

Solo sex for more self-love

In this case, I think now that it is probably the most normal thing in the world to touch themselves and this need also natural is always there and will be.

Furthermore, masturbation is a wonderful way to find oneself and not only helps us to find out what we like, but can also support us to perceive our body, to accept it, to learn to love, to come into contact with ourselves, ourselves Taking time for your own needs, surrendering yourself and feeling – what should you be ashamed of ?!

Masturbation is a wonderful way to find oneself and not only helps us to find out what we like, but can also support us to perceive, accept and learn to love our body.

Masturbation is self-empowerment and an expression of self-love.

Of course, it is nice to have sex with someone, to exchange closeness, to kiss etc. But it is also attractive not to be dependent on anyone and to be able to give yourself what you need at any time. Sometimes short and intense, sometimes long and sensual.

Masturbation is self-empowerment and an expression of self-love.

For me, masturbation has always been a nice thing and not just a means to an end – even if it is every now and then. I like to experiment with different positions, tools and locations. And with all of this I feel connected to myself, my body and somehow also to my soul.

And since there are so many different ways to make it yourself, so many ideas, inspirations, fantasies and possibilities, it’s actually a shame that we so seldom chatter about it, sometimes very specifically – it doesn’t have to be with everyone.

Cheers to the masturbation!…

Self-love every day for four weeks

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Self-love every day for four weeks

My experience report from an orgasmic online coaching

When I agreed to take part in Orgasmic Woman’s self-love coaching, I had no idea what self-love coaching looked like. It was said that you should practice self-love every day, explore and develop your own sensuality and lust – just take time for yourself. I mean why not, right?

I don’t know about you, but I had a fairly specific, retrospectively limited idea of ​​the term “self-love”. To me it just sounded like a more socially acceptable word for masturbation.

Every Day Self-Love Practice – More Difficult Than It Sounds

Part of Orgasmic Woman Coaching is to love yourself for at least 15 minutes every day, whatever that means. For this you get various impulses, exercises and inspirations sent to you.

My first challenge wasn’t some complicated physical exercise, overcoming myself, or any insecurities, but these damn, ridiculous 15 minutes.

Part of Orgasmic Woman Coaching is to love yourself for at least 15 minutes every day. For this you get various impulses, exercises and inspirations sent to you.

I always imagine it to be so easy to integrate little things like 15-minute self-love into my everyday life. I know pretty well that I don’t do a lot of 15-minute blocks every day. But then it is not easy for me, even though I actively decide for it and really want to create a place for it in my life.

Well, a bit proud (hey, it’s the little things) I can report that most days I dutifully set my timer, sat there and started breathing exercises, one hand on my heart, the other on my vulva to be relatively zen-like in the here and now – but the great revelation did not materialize for the time being.

A little proud I can report that most days I dutifully set my timer, sat there and started breathing exercises, one hand on my heart, the other on my vulva, being relatively zen-like in the here and now – the big one But there was no revelation for the time being.

In the beginning it is really weird to want to call up sexuality and sensuality at the push of a button, like a kind of creepy homework – which I have never done and copying is unfortunately not included here either.

What can I say? I learned (surprise) that I am not suddenly super sensual and sexy just because I decide to. On some days, my self-love session had the character of meditation: It was nice to relax, to touch and to feel myself, but the whole thing ended more in a long nap than in hot solo sex.

On some days, my self-love session had the character of meditation: It was nice to relax, to touch and to feel myself, but the whole thing ended more in a long nap than in hot solo sex.

On other days it was just strange and I sat there, a little bored and in awkward silence, wondering what I was actually doing and waited until the timer had run out.

Sounds like a strange self-experiment that tends to fail? Absolutely not.

Self-love – path or goal?

Self-love is more than just lending a hand, not just limited to our sexual organs. Basically also somehow clear, but in everyday life it is often exactly that: a means to an end, the way to the goal.

Self-love is more than just lending a hand, not just limited to our sexual organs. Basically also somehow clear, but in everyday life it is often exactly that: a means to an end, the way to the goal.

The Orgasmic Woman Coaching invites you to listen better again and not to listen to foreign voices, ideas and ideals, but to listen to yourself and discover or suspect feelings and needs to which you may not (yet) have access at the moment has found.

It is also about breaking through your own possible patterns. Self-love patterns often have their justification and have become patterns precisely because we think they are so cool. But not just letting the patterns of movement and contact rattle off on your own, but understanding them as a resource, connecting with them, modifying them and developing them further can be enormously enriching.

“Orgasmic” does not mean orgasm (contrary to my first interpretation). The orgasm goal is often omnipresent in partner sex as well as in solo sex, the attention is directed to the future and therefore cannot be in the here and now. Kind of a good point, right?

The orgasm goal is often omnipresent in partner sex as well as in solo sex, the attention is directed to the future and therefore cannot be in the here and now.

But back to my naps instead of a sexy me-session: There are probably two states that work together in a wave movement to ensure that we are aroused: Relaxation and tension and, as always, it is very individual which state is easier for us. My first self-love units were characterized by relaxation, letting go and breathing deeply.

However, you can activate your own body and thus also your sensuality through movement such as dancing, swimming or running and well, at some point I didn’t fall asleep.

Sharing is caring – talking to strangers about self-love

A second part of the (group) coaching consists of exchanging ideas with others – to be honest, the part that I would have liked to have done without, in isolation and self-reliance, if it had been voluntary. I mean, do any of you feel like talking to complete strangers about self-love practices, insecurities, challenges and wow moments?

In any case, I didn’t have it, but I really learned to appreciate it in the four weeks of coaching. Vivien and Mara, the two founders of Orgasmic Woman, created a really nice setting in which our small group could talk about the past few days every week.

I was very surprised, but there is a different quality to talking about intimate things to strangers than to people who are familiar.

I was very surprised, but it has a (absolutely existing) quality to talk about intimate things with strangers than with confidants and the exchange with one another has always inspired me into the next week of self-love.

Self-love practice in everyday life

As already mentioned, I personally don’t find it easy to create space for something like a self-love ritual every day, and I’m not sure whether it will be necessary permanently. The fact is, however, that we have to keep exploring new physical paths in order to break through learned patterns and create new paths, if we want to.

The fact is that we have to keep playing on new physical paths in order to break through learned patterns and create new paths if we want to.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s just a curious, excited self-exploration, letting go of associated (psychological and physical) pain, lack of sensitivity or something else.

In the four weeks I noticed how my body feeling and my sensuality (yes, sounds a bit strange, I know, but it’s true) have changed and I believe that it can be enormously enriching to be with yourself over a certain period of time To put body and soul in the foreground, to create space and rituals for it.

I believe that it can be enormously enriching to put your body and soul in the foreground over a certain period of time, to create space and rituals for it.

The whole thing, of course, without any pressure to perform, we probably all know that Lust killer No. 1 is (at least I find it extremely unsexy).

Conclusion on 4 weeks of self-love with Orgasmic Woman

I often had the feeling that I had a lot of tips, ideas and insights before the workshop, that I might also know them, and yet I had by far not integrated all of them into my everyday life.

Realizing what is good for me, what takes me further and gives me strength is not necessarily enough to put these things into practice courageously. Often it fails on strenuous days, a sleepless morning, listlessness or simply because of distraction.

Realizing what is good for me, what takes me further and gives me strength is not necessarily enough to put these things into practice courageously.

The workshop created a framework for …