Self-love is on everyone’s lips. But what exactly does self-love mean? And what does self-love have to do with sex? Well, quite a lot!
The distorted body image of the media
We are collectively traumatized as a society when it comes to our bodies and sexuality. The social media, movies and also porn shape our idea of a perfect body and of a “perfect” sexuality in a very subtle way. Most of the time, these two things also go hand in hand. We then almost exclusively see well-formed, trained bodies. Who does not know this scene from at least one feature film in which a man lies down on a woman and after three minutes they both have orgasm at the same time.
But does reality really look like this? If you’ve had sex before, you’ll know that sex rarely or never happens Hollywood-style. Few of us have bodies like those of women in magazines and catalogues, yet most of us have sex lives. So far so good.
Our sex life is often shaped by these unconscious ideas that the media convey to us day in and day out.
But our sex life is often shaped by these unconscious ideas that the media convey to us day in and day out. We unconsciously separate ourselves from our body through our media consumption. We perceive it as an object that can and should be continuously improved, and no longer as a part of us with which we have an emotional relationship.
The orgasm as the overriding goal of intimacy
Let’s look at the orgasm. Most people practice sex with the goal of achieving orgasm. Because the assumption behind it is: without orgasm the sex was not good / satisfying. We usually relate this assumption to our: n partners: in and not so much on ourselves. (And this is where self-love comes into play.)
Many women* want their partner to orgasm during intercourse so that they can get confirmation that the sex was good for him / her. This also gives us assurance that the other will stay with us. The reverse also applies to heterosexual men, because if the partner does not come, he has failed and his ego is cracked.
Many people then also like to go the “orgasm-pretending” path. The three most common reasons for this are:
- Pressure to have orgasm in order not to disappoint the partner (s)
- Physical pain
If I really love myself and my body, then I will not endure boredom or physical pain during intercourse. I will: talk to my / my partner and ask him / her to take a break or stop.
My sexuality cannot be fulfilling at all if I constantly go beyond my own limits and cannot formulate my wishes and needs. Then I tend to fall back into a cycle of continuous traumatisation.
My sexuality cannot be fulfilling at all if I constantly go beyond my own limits and cannot formulate my wishes and needs.
To me, self-love literally means “to love yourself”. And physically. I can only tell my partner inside what I want in bed if I know what I like. When I’ve shed my body and been intimate with myself. Sexuality always begins with the self and not with the other.
What I advise my clients
This is one of the first pieces of advice I give my straight clients when sexuality with their partner is drowsy or unfulfilling: Get intimate with yourself. Start loving yourself. Find out what you like and give it to yourself. Seduce yourself and touch yourself just as you would want your lover to touch.
When you really embody this practice, the energy that you radiate changes. As a rule, the change in your energy does not pass your partner by either. And the fire of sexuality can be kindled in a whole new way.
Unfortunately, at a young age, nobody teaches us how to explore our sexuality healthily. There is no real sexual education that is not limited to avoiding sexually transmitted diseases. Due to our uptight society, we tend to lose touch with our bodies and our very own sexuality and then try to chase after an ideal that doesn’t actually exist.
There is no real sexual education that is not limited to avoiding sexually transmitted diseases.
As we get older, it is our job to take responsibility for our sex life and make sure that our desires are fulfilled. It takes courage and continuous practice. Being a good lover yourself takes time. And that’s fine too.
What specifically you can do to find a more fulfilling sexuality
- It is best to stop trying to please the others and pretending to be yourself.
- Also, stop comparing yourself to unrealistic images from the media.
- Begin to understand sexuality as an individual space for learning and research.
- Have fun trying out and discovering with yourself.
- Find out what is really ecstatic and celebrate your own body.
- Use masturbation as a self-love practice to do yourself good.
- And then: then share your discoveries with your partner: in.